Funeral Rose

Yesterday my 5 year old said repeatedly how he wished he had never been born because everybody hates him. If you've never heard your child say anything like that...I hope you never do. My heart broke. Sure, he can be just as dramatic as his sisters were at that age, but this was different. This was a hurting little boy that had just had an extremely hard few hours.

We were at his great grandpa's funeral, so his heart was already hurting and his emotions (which are always on his sleeve) were causing him to act a little out of sorts. It's hard for anyone to deal with death, it's even harder for kids that can't completely comprehend it yet. In addition, some events transpired that caused some adult reactions that I won't mention. I will say that he was utterly humiliated and completely broken at that point. He had what I can only describe as something close to a panic attack in the middle of his great grandpa's funeral. I took him to a stairwell and Avery quickly followed. After a sort time, his breathing returned to normal and we walked back to our seats.

People only saw his reaction to other people's actions or his misplaced energy in trying to play. A simple redirect in play, stopping other's actions before he in turn reacted, or even bringing him to me or his Dad would've had solved it quickly. For the next 2 hours he sat quietly next to me, in a hard chair, playing games with his oldest sister. Not because he was in trouble, but because I couldn't allow anything else to happen and, to be honest, because he didn't even want to talk to anyone after that.

Trust me, I know my child isn't perfect and I do not excuse bad behavior. There are days when he can push me to my limit. He's strong willed, has the energy of at least 3 kids, he has a temper, and sometimes he's quick to act and slow to consider the consequences of his actions. He can completely ignore what he's told and has put his own safety in jeopardy more times than I can count. He still doesn't realize that he's a little bigger than most kids his age, and that he's stronger than kids twice his age. However, he's a child and he's still learning.

I've watched him be made fun of by grown ups that should've been building him up, picked on by kids that he thought were his friends. I've seen little boys tell him to go away or pretend they didn't hear him when he went to say hi at church. All of those times, he sat there at just took the meanness, but I saw the crushed look in his eyes. I've seen also seen kids hit, scratch, bite, steal a toy away, etc and then when Carter reacted...the instigator went a told on him & conveniently left out their actions that caused him to act out in the first place. No...two wrongs don't make a right & he was wrong to act out, but again...he's a kid and he's still learning to make the right choices.

Back to yesterday...After the funeral had ended, we went to a local restaurant for a late lunch. There were several floral arrangements brought over from the funeral home, and it was time for the great grand kids to choose a flower to take home. The girls quickly picked their choice of pretty coral roses. Carter showed no interest in getting one, and shook his head no when asked. Suddenly, his head popped up and he said "I do want to get a flower" in a hurried voice. He ran over, picked his favorite, and walked back to the table. He held out the rose and said "I got you a flower Mommy!" with such pride in his face, and gentleness in his voice. I quickly said thank you, hugged him and whispered again into his ear "I am so glad that you were born and I will always love you." He nodded as his eyes quickly filled with tears and he went back to his seat.

THAT sweet little boy is who I see every day. The one that gives little found things to me. The one that shares his treats with his sisters & his dad. The one that hugs us with such love and fierceness that he almost knocks us over. The boy with the tender heart, that isn't afraid to cry when his heart hurts, laughs whenever he feels like it even if it's a quiet moment, and sings beautifully to every song and doesn't care who hears. I don't look at him & see the short tempered choices he's made or the days that he's so hyper that I go to bed feeling beat up. I see the real Carter.

We have a God centered home. Our kids have grown up in church, watching their Dad preach, both of us teach, going out on outreach, my girls saw me sing, etc. They've been involved in ministry from the start. We've home schooled them for most of their education. We are extremely strict when it comes to entertainment and many other things. We are doing our best to fill our home with love and grace...praying over them every day...building a hedge of protection around their hearts and minds. Yet anxiety and depression still managed to make it to our kids.

Unfortunately, the mind is a battlefield now more than ever before. I pray that we can remember to treat others the way you want to be treated...and treat other children the way that you would want your children to be treated. I don't ever want to be the weapon that brought depression, anxiety, fear, or hate into someone's life.

I don't say all of this to gain pity for Carter from anyone. I don't say this to start any drama...I hate drama. I say it because kids are fragile. Their hearts and minds are little sponges, soaking up all that we spill out. The outside world can pour so much bad into them, and as parents, we have to do our best to pour out enough love to flush out the things that can bring darkness into their lives.

I set this photo of the flower from the funeral as my wallpaper today and post this as a reminder for myself to continue being the safe place that my kids can run to when the world has been unkind. To always see my kids for who they truly are. To correct them in love. To not expect perfection. To remember they are only kids and all of us were just learning to navigate this world at one time.