Roadside Lilies

Luke 12:27 Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

Roadside Lilies.  Seems like a strange name probably.  It has a really deep meaning to me, and I'll try to share a bit of the back story finally.  I'm sure it's obvious by now that Tiger Lilies are my favorite flowers.  I love the orange lilies that bloom in late June and early July.  They're in gardens of course, but the wild ones...the ones you see on the side of the road are the ones that I have always loved the most.  The vibrant color draws me in and seems to capture every ounce of sunshine that dances around them.  Along the interstates, highways, country roads, and even city streets, these majestically tall lilies grow in the mundane hardscape and bring a burst of beauty to your drive.  They probably weren't meant to grow in that particular spot, but they are thriving in their God given splendor all the same.  

It was early August 2013.  Kyle and I were at a point in our lives where we were walking blindly on a daily basis.  We had suffered another job loss, at no fault of our own.  Our faith in ministry and leadership was at an all time low after some very hurtful events, again at no fault of our own.  We were to the point were we were literally packing our belongings, putting everything into a storage unit, and had plans to move to Florida without any job prospects or idea of where we would even settle down.  We had heard discouraging words from some family members about us moving away numerous times, and even though we had thought about if for a while, we had always been on the fence.  I mean, picking up your entire life and moving across the country without a single "for sure" does seem a little crazy after all.  However, we had sat down with Kyle's aunt and uncle one evening, and after they heard what we had to say, they flat out told us "You need to do this!"  Along with that, while driving to visit my Mom, we turned on XM Radio to Kirk Franklin's Praise & the first words that came out were "Take your dreams and go to Florida."  It was a phrase out of no where, and I've never heard it again in all of these years of listening to that station.  We felt that it was time and, after months of praying, it seemed like things were starting to be confirmed.  

I was running my kids invitation shop pretty successfully at that point and so we decided that we would stay with Kyle's parents for a couple of weeks to save up enough to just go down temporarily and see what turned up.  Kyle had also taken a few interviews in the area for unemployment reasons and one was for a tiny company in El Paso, IL.  The pay was less than half of what he was used to.  The hours were horrible.  And it was still in Illinois.  In Central Illinois, and in my mind that would be torture.  After all, growing up in Rockford, and being in the suburbs and Chicago on an almost weekly basis, there wasn't a shortage of stores, places to eat, and things to do.  So, we talked it over and decided that he would just take the phone interview since it was already set up, but it was pointless to take any other interviews if offered. It just didn't feel right. 

I love my husband, that goes without saying.  But he's a special kind of person that makes me incredibly proud of him and love him all the more.  He's the type of man who will do practically anything for anyone if they ask.  If he doesn't know how, he does his best to figure it out or at least find someone that can.  He serves people to the point of exhaustion sometimes, without ever seeking reward, titles, acknowledgment, or even a thank you.  He has a work ethic like very few people do.  Yet, with the recession and being in the retail industry, he had to close down many stores and lost more jobs in a matter of years than a dozen people will in a lifetime.  That is not an exaggeration either, but a discussion for another date.

However, the downfall to his incredible work ethic is that he often feels that he has to have a job and that he has to be the one to provide for his family.  I know...you're probably wondering how that is a flaw.  In ministry, and in the Christian faith in general, we have all been taught to fully rely on God in every moment of our lives.  Trust me, we have had to the entirety of our marriage.  The devil has used our finances as a way to slow and hinder our ministry.  Like I said before, we have dealt with more "storms" in our 14 years of marriage than a dozen couples face in their entire lives.  (More on that later.)  So, when these situations arose, Kyle sometimes lost sight of the lesson that God was possibly trying to teach us.  And while he knew that God would provide of course, I think that in his mind he felt like he had to be the one to go out and get a new job as quickly as possible.  That he himself had to do the fixing and storm calming.  2 Thessalonians 3:10 was drilled into us as children and I have a feeling that Kyle thought that if he fixed the problem, that this would stop people from looking down on him more than he felt that they already did. (2 Thessalonians 3:10 For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.)

Back to August 2013.  A week or so after that phone interview, Kyle told me that he was taking a second interview with that company. It was that afternoon and he was leaving in a few moments.  I was mad.  I was hurt.  I was confused.  I mean, we had already decided together that it was not the right thing for us.  After a little discussion, he told me that people had been in his ear, trying to get him to take the job & move there.  And that he was seriously considering it. He felt like if he didn't take this job, then he was going to be looked down upon.

I seem well mannered and quiet on the outside to those that don't know me.  Let me assure you, however, that I have a temper.  Probably too much of a temper at times.  And while I am a creative, right brained person, I am also very analytical and like to plan everything out.  I hate 99% of surprises because I cannot control them.  When I feel like I'm loosing control, I tend to lash out a bit.  So, needless to say, hearing that my husband was considering moving us to a place I had no interest in going was enough to make me basically loose my mind.  (But in a ladylike way of course!)  I could not believe that he allowed outside sources...no matter how well meaning...to detour our plans.  Out of all the low points in my life, this was one of the lowest.  I felt alone, and that I no longer had any say in my own life.  

A few hours passed by before Kyle made it back home from the interview.  When he walked through the door, he had a large bunch of red and yellow lilies.  They were wild lilies from the side of the road he said.  He apologized for listening to other people and of course for hurting me.  He knew that I had always wanted to stop and pick bouquets of wild lilies, but never had.  I took the flowers he handed me, walked down to the kitchen, and threw them into the trash can.  

"They're red lilies!" I exclaimed "I like orange!"  That was all I said as I stomped out of the room and back to my work.  Immediately I felt regret and shame at how I behaved.  All I wanted to do was to run downstairs, pull the pretty flowers out of the trash, and place them in my favorite vase.  I wanted to hug him and thank him for his kind gesture and for his apology, but I didn't.  Not only do I have a temper, I also have a large stubborn streak.  I hold my ground until no one is standing at times. This, for some reason, was one of those times.  I couldn't let him know that I was weak, that I was sorry, that I forgave him.  So I stayed in my office, alone, for hours.

When I finally got up the nerve to leave my computer, I had to walk by Avery's room to get downstairs.  She was 8 at the time and probably didn't even know how angry I was.  As I walked in front of her doorway, I caught a glimpse of something red out of the corner of my eye.  Sitting on her dresser were the lilies that her Daddy had brought me.  I asked her where she got those, and she told me that she found them sitting on the trash.  "They were too pretty to get thrown away, so I pulled them out!" she said.  Her words hit me hard.  The guilt that I felt already had just been multiplied in an instant by this sweet little girl and her innocence. 

Not only did I feel checked because of my attitude and behavior, I felt God speaking to me on a deeper level.  I had felt thrown away without even knowing it.  Not just my opinion on the job interview disagreement from earlier that day, but from the things in my life that had been happening.  I had felt disregarded, betrayed, belittled, and humiliated by people that I loved and trusted. They were supposed to be the Godly leaders, examples, and encouragers in my life and it was if I were those lilies laying on top of the trash.  Created for a purpose, meant for more, but unwantedly tossed aside.  In that moment God opened my eyes to the deeper wounds that I had, and a verse came to mind. Psalm 40:2 He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.  While many of us relate this verse to those in sin, I related it to my life.  God knew exactly where I was.  He knew this was going to happen before I was born.  He knew the path that Kyle and I would have to travel, and we were still right there in the palm of His hand.

It has been over 5 years since that day, and we never did make it to Florida.  We may get there some day, we may not.  We're leaving that in God's hands.  However, no matter where we have been since then, I see the beautiful orange lilies growing by the side of the road.  They are a reminder to me each time they begin to bloom.  They remind me to check my spirit, to forgive, to continually be humble, to never take my loved ones for granted.  They remind me that life is never a sure thing, that plans change, but God remains the same.  They remind me that even when I'm at my lowest, God still loves me.  They remind me that even if I'm unsure of where I'm going...or growing...that God stills sees me, knows where I am, and will never forget the promises that He made and the callings that he placed upon our life.